Thursday, August 24, 2006

The Epiphany Toilet’s Revenge

In one of my favorite episodes of Scrubs, there is the discovery of the “Epiphany Toilet” – a bowl that exists at the top of the hospital’s roof where, eventually, the entire staff visits one at a time to release and reflect. My company is located on the 4th floor of an old-fashioned warehouse. I was thrilled on my first day when I saw that our bathrooms have open windows and fantastic views of the hillsides and treetops. It was like peeing in the great outdoors, but with the preferred walls and door locks. I had found my own “Epiphany Toilet”.

Today, the Epiphany Toilet betrayed me, as all of the toilets in my life eventually do. It’s always just a matter of time.

This morning I was having, for lack of a better way of saying it, a more inspired visit to the water closet. The first flush was less than productive. The second flush straightened up matters a bit, but I deemed a third flush necessary and polite.

The flush began. And continued to gain force. And began to shoot water over the edge of the bowl. Not a bubbling, gurgling slow overflow. Oh no. Envision projectile waves of toilet water that pelted the bathroom walls. I ran into the warehouse, remaining remarkably dry and even more remarkably calm as my coworker turned off the water.

“That was pretty good”. he said. “Last time it went clear across the room”.

So between 9:50 and 10:20 this morning, I cleaned up about 2 1/2 gallons of toilet water from the floor of my warehouse women’s room with a dirty mop and a plastic cup. I’m used to bailing out water from the front passenger side of my car after bad rainstorms, and this previous experience proved to be quite valuable in this new scenario.

Everything smelled like toilet water for about an hour and a half. Tea was just not appealing. All I wanted was the water turned back on and a bar of soap.

Bastard toilet. This time I thought it was different. We had so many good times – moments of contemplation and meditation. Times of cool breezes from the world outside, then subsequent hot breezes from, uh, the inside world. Where did it all go wrong?

In two weeks, we are moving to another warehouse. And another toilet…

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Portland, Maine 2006