Thursday, April 13, 2006

The first time I went to the allergist, he told me that first of three scratch tests was negative. The second time I saw little red dot reactions, but again he told me that the test was negative. This past Monday, he increased the dosage. The little red dots came back and I figured that it would be another negative – but the doctor said no. “You have an allergy to dust and mold,” he said, “and I think the best solution for you is a series of allergy shots. You would come in on a twice weekly basis for the first couple of months, and then once a month following. The process will take about 4 years. So, are you interested?”

What I said:

What I wanted to say:
“MOTHER FUCKER!!! I told you I was allergic to dust and mold on the first appointment! MY FUCKING ARM LOOKS THE SAME AS THE OTHER FUCKING DAY! What kind of allergist are you? Is my arm a mother fucking gypsy-lookin’ crystal ball that looks the same to everyone else, except for you and your spooky, kooky mystical allergist powers? I PAID $80 FOR THE PAST 4 VISITS, AND THIS IS THE FUCKING THANKS I GET? THERAPY WOULD BE CHEAPER THAN YOUR FUCKING ALLERGY SHOT PLAN!”

The allergist says to me that since I am not interested in the shots, that I should go to Bed, Bath and Beyond my Budget and purchase bedding covers and pillow covers and a new comforter because the down comforter is just not going to work out for me.

What I said:

What I wanted to say:
“WHY THE FUCK DID YOU WAIT UNTIL NOW TO TELL ME THIS, FUCKER? FOR MY $80 IN CO-PAY? You own stock in BB&B? MOTHER FUCKER! I know that cute little noise I make that sounds like a cat trying to cough up her first born scares the living shit out of my husband when he’s trying to sleep, but it’s a lot cheaper than your proposed “Extreme Makeover, Allergy Edition”. Fuck, could have used that fucking $80 co-pay for new hypoallergenic curtain covers, or whatever shit you want me to buy. Shit.”

The allergist closed the appointment with “Alright, we’re done for today. All except for the breathing test. You need to schedule the breathing test”.

What I said:
“You never told me to schedule a breathing test, Doc.”

What I should have said:
“Fuck another $20. You hear me breathing now, don’t you, you shit? Haven’t you made enough off me?"

He told me to have a nice day, and to be sure to schedule that breathing test.

What I said to the receptionist:
“I was told to schedule a breathing test, but to be honest I have spent enough money to find out something I already know. I will not be returning”

What I said in my head:
“Fuck this shit”